The $25 mystery massage

No, men (or women) in robes do not rub your feet at Foot Finesse. They wear scrubs. But you will feel like this anyway.

Although they’re not officially posted, I assume the rules of Foot Finesse are something similar to those of Fight Club. First Rule: You do not talk about Foot Finesse. Second Rule: You do not talk about Foot Finesse.

Despite its undisputed $25 massage services, Foot Finesse manages to fly slightly under the radar of even the most savvy spa seeker for several reasons — the first being its obscure location. Tucked in a corner of the Northview Shopping Center on 86th Street (across the street from North Central High School), it can be difficult to find.

Second, the name is deceiving. Foot Finesse doesn’t simply offer relief for poor tired feet; it entails a light massage on the entire, but fully dressed body. The service begins with a warm foot soak and focuses a good portion of the hour on the legs and feet, but the remainder is spent on massaging the face, head, neck, shoulders, arms, and back.

No explanation of services is provided upon arrival; in fact, few words at all are exchanged throughout the process.

When my friend Jesika and I walked in without an appointment one Tuesday evening, we were greeted by a man at the front desk with the word, “Come,” then ushered back into a sea of massage chairs in an open, but dimly lit room. As slapping sounds echoed out from a smaller room to our left, I raised an eyebrow in Jesika’s direction, wondering if it would feel as painful as it sounded.

We were led into a smaller room behind a rice paper divider where two women were lying flat on their backs in reclining chairs, towels covering their faces. Soothing music somehow managed to muffle the noise of their flesh being pummeled.

Two men entered the room and pointed to the remaining two recliners. We lay down on our backs and for an hour, the two men slapped, pulled, rubbed, and kneaded almost every inch of our bodies. (You spend about 20 minutes face-down on the recliner as well.)

Not a word was spoken until, almost in synch, they jumped up from their stools and said, “Done!” As silently as they walked in, they walked out of the room, and we never saw them again.

There is a place where money can buy you more than happiness. At Foot Finesse, $25 gets you an hour of relaxing silence and a mild beating to the body that falls nothing short of sheer bliss.

Info: Foot Finesse, 1726 E. 86th St., (317) 571-8222, www.perfectfootfinesse.com.